Faith From 9 to 5

Why people are making you crazy

I just answered an email from a friend and colleague who I upset. It's a long story I won't go into but I made what I thought was a casual remark on Facebook that she took seriously and that hurt her.

At least she mentioned it to me and told me how she felt. Often our feelings get hurt and we don't say anything about it, allowing the frustration to build up over time until we're holding a huge grudge against the person.

When I read her email which detailed just how badly she feels and how much I hurt her I could feel myself get frustrated and irritated. "How petty and overly sensitive of her!" I thought. The more frustrated I became the less I read and the more I skimmed of her full page email.

Naturally I had no intention to hurt her. The comment was a casual one that I didn't give much thought to.

And therein lies a big part of the problem.

I started this by making a comment without fully thinking through what I was writing and without choosing my words carefully. I know better, but I did it anyway.

I  can't control how she (or others) interpret my comments. All I can do is make sure my words are true expressions of what I'm actually thinking. Most words have many different meanings so it's important to choose them -- and the adjectives and adverbs that modify them -- carefully.

So why did I get frustrated when reading her email?

That defensive reaction happened because I felt accused of hurting her -- which is something I would never intentionally do. Having my intentions misunderstood upsets me. As someone who makes their living writing I don't like knowing I was unclear in my writing and in my messaging.

I also got frustrated because this sort of thing slows you down. I'm in a hurry like most people are and have a long to-do list every day. Having someone tell me they're upset with me requires me to slow down and deal with a situation I hadn't planned for in my schedule.

It would be very easy to just say "well it's her problem, not mine" but that's not a very charitable way to handle things and it's also not entirely true. A communication breakdown is the result of a problem on both sides. As people of faith we must be sensitive to how we come across, thankful when someone points out we weren't effective in our communication, and compassionate enough to make things right.

It's frustrating and time consuming but very necessary.

Stop complaining to customers

I stop at the same convenience store every morning like many people do. When we do that we see the same employees behind the counter and develop a certain level of familiarity with them.

Yesterday the guy who's often at the cash register when I'm there very early in the morning greeted me as usual but when I replied, there was a sarcastic tone to his voice that I hadn't heard on other mornings.

I asked him how he was doing and off he went. He started complaining about his employer. Now we all know that employers can be rotten. Many companies have stupid policies and there are lots of poor managers (I've worked for quite a few myself).

But your customers don't want to hear that.

He was obviously baiting me to get me to ask him something that he could interpret as an invitation to vent. And vent he did.

He may have felt better but I certainly didn't. And his complaints weren't particularly powerful. He didn't beg me to report his employer to the police for violating his civil rights. He didn't whisper that he's being held against his will.

When I mentioned there were lots of people who'd like to be in his shoes and that in this economy he might want to consider the alternative, that only set him off again.

I left, determined to avoid him the next time I come in.

This is an example of pride rearing its ugly head.

This guy was determined to vent to someone and he didn't care who. Venting like that might make you feel better because your stressful emotions are released for a time but it doesn't make the other person feel good.It also doesn't do anything to address the root cause of your _____________ (fill in the blank with the emotion you're feeling). It's a passive-aggressive type of behavior that damages your reputation and that of your employer (or whoever you may be complaining about). Ultimately it doesn't improve your situation or your company.

In Matthew Christ told his followers that if they were making an offer to the altar yet have a problem with their brother they were to leave their gift and reconcile with their brother.

I've done this same sort of thing myself. It doesn't fix anything and often can make things worse. If you're not going to talk to someone who can take action about your problem then you must do the internal work to address the issue within yourself.

Stop snapping at people online or off

Do you contribute to blogs (rather than just reading them?) or forums? Do post or respond to the posts of others? I do occassionally and am trying to build more of a presence online in my business.

Last week I posted a question on 2 large boards that each have several forums. I posted my question on most of the forums because I wanted to get as many responses as possible. I was as honest as I could be and told readers I was doing research for a writing project.

Many of the handful of people who responded on one board were very nice and gave me full, well thought out answers which I thanked them for.  The other board generated a couple of responses but they were snippy and sarcastic. I resisted the temptation to respond with the same snippiness and tried to further explain my question and why I was posting on the site. More snippiness.

I'm not sure I understand this behavior. Why would you respond if you don't want to genuinely answer the question? If you think the question is stupid then just don't respond to it.

I suppose there's an element of being hidden that makes people feel comfortable acting out online.

I know that when I was in my early 20's I had a tendency to say the first thing that popped into my head.  I would make some smart-mouthed comment or rather than just give the answer to a question I'd been asked I'd include all of this "editorial" content that really wasn't necessary.

I'm still not sure why I did it but it took a manager I had to point this out and help me see how it was hurting my image as a professional. He helped me see that my comments weren't helpful and weren't in line with the reputation I wanted to create.

It hurt to hear that but after I reflected on what he said I realized how right he was. I practiced two techniques I remembered from growing up and they helped me a lot. I still use them.

First was taught to me by my mother. She always said "You can think whatever you want but don't say it."  Next was a technique my public speaking professor taught us to use at various times in a speech. This was particularly helpful when trying to get rid of uh's and um's. He said just close your mouth and say it in your head. It actually worked for me and I could deliver an entire speech with no uh's.

So think about how you're responding to your coworkers and how you're responding to strangers and acquaintances online.  As the old saying goes, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

The struggle to control our emotions in volatile times

I was in a meeting recently where people’s emotions really began taking over and some ugly behavior surfaced.  Sarcasm, accusatory tones, and that juvenile “no I didn’t – yes you did” sort of arguing we engaged in when we were kids. One friend who was there too likened it to watching a train wreck.

I’m certainly not perfect and have reacted the same way…when someone asks you a question or makes a statement and your back just goes up. Suddenly your emotional level and the issue you’re supposed to be discussing are just way out of sync. Your anger – or whatever emotion your feeling or demonstrating – is just way more than the situation calls for.

Why does this type of behavior come out? Well, it’s often some sort of reaction to feeling attacked in some way, feeling a loss of control, or feeling frightened about something.

If you find yourself feeling very emotional over an issue it’s probably not that issue at the surface that has you upset.

Think about it. With the crash of the stock market we’re not upset over the loss of the money. For most of us it was just a number on a page anyway. We didn’t actually have the money in our hands. The emotions that we’re feeling are a combination of fear over the loss of what we saw as our security, panic as we scramble to cut expenses and worry about the future, and other emotions connected to feeling a loss of control over our lives.

When we lose our temper at work it’s really not because of the situation. It’s because of some underlying issue and often our pride is at the root of it.

When our boss calls us into her office we get this feeling of dread. A combination of fear and anxiety because we think we’re going to get called on the carpet for something…we’re afraid we’re getting laid off…maybe there’s more work to be dumped on our already sagging shoulders.

Depending on everything else going on our emotional levels may already be high.

While in the boss’s office our emotional level goes up very quickly since our feelings were raw to begin with. So later when a coworker (who maybe we really don’t like very much anyway) asks for help (again) we fly off the handle in a rage that’s out of sync with the request made.

We’re certainly not reacting in a Christ-like manner when things like this happen.

Aristotle said that “Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way - that is not easy.”

Boy was he right!

We have to be conscious of our feelings and work to not react so quickly. When you feel your blood start to boil or your emotions in general start to rise, ask yourself why you’re reacting so strongly…what are you afraid of…what about yourself is feeling attacked…

I know this is a great challenge for all of us, especially in these very scary times but perhaps this is a true test of our faith and beliefs.